how i'm feeling now
I read recently, or maybe heard, that your brain doesn’t really care the difference between doing something and thinking about doing something. You basically get the same chemical reward either way. That’s dumb. I hate that. I don’t want a participation award. I want the real thing. I got a participation trophy once. Our team lost every game the whole season, except one, when we beat a team that had half its players. The hell did we deserve a trophy for?
Angry. Bored. Pretty good sometimes. A lot of times like nothing matters. Happy in the sunshine. Sad that daylight savings is screwing that up too. Those are feelings I’m having.
I laughed so hard the other night that I started crying. I don’t remember the last time I did that. It hurt. My diaphragm ached. I started coughing. I learned that tears carry stress hormones out of the body. So there’s that.
I’ve been struggling with insomnia. The other night I tossed and turned myself down the stairs where I curled up on the couch to watch New Girl and graze on a few caramel rice cakes. I was hungry. There were crumbs everywhere. I teared up watching Nick and Jess kiss for the first time for like the hundredth time. Then I ate some peanut butter filled pretzels. I was still hungry. They say you’re not supposed to eat too close to bedtime. But bedtime is illusory.
I think what I’m saying is I feel a bit stuck. I’ve been paddling this metaphorical boat for a long time. And everyone keeps telling me to stop. Let go, let god. Accept the things I can’t change. You have control issues, dude. So I stopped. Now I’m pouting. Sitting in still water waiting for God to strap a motor on the back and whip this shit across the seven seas. Waiting and waiting and waiting. And pouting.
Why is stillness so chaotic? Why does serenity feel like entropy? Why does peace taste like ashes?
It would probably help to be a little less self-centered. It’s not all about you, you know. But focusing on others to make yourself feel better sounds just as self-serving. So I guess I’m also feeling cynical.
I love being the piece of shit at the center of the universe. It sucks.
Anyway. I don’t know what to do with all these feelings so I made some art. It’s the least, or the most, I could do. I’m still trying to decide.
