Ti amo

All's fair

Feb 16, 2024

I felt it when I saw your smile beam across my computer screen during the first of oh-so-many Zoom calls.

I felt it with every glance I caught of you as you moved from painting to painting across the gallery floor.

I felt it with every Diet Coke, every box of Chinese take-out, and every sunset stroll alongside the river.

I felt it deep down, in a place words can’t describe and that the mind can’t comprehend, that because of you my life would never be the same.

And with all the gratitude I can muster, that feeling has proven true.

I’m often confounded, looking back at where I was and how different of life I live now. The drunken, drugged-out, depressed basement dweller with few positive prospects has grown into a sobered-up, dried-out, sweaty roadrunner with faith that good things are coming (and an understanding that great things are already here). I look back at that kid sometimes and wish I could reach out and console him, but I find comfort in knowing that you were on the way.

It’s astounding you even saw someone worth your time in that tangled-up, downward-spiral of a man who was crazy enough to ask you to go on a road trip out of town for our first big date. I suppose we both had just the right amount of screws loose. I mean, what were we thinking? Lucky for us, it went pretty well. The car ride back could have been awkward, to say the least.

And that was simply the first of many: of many road trips, of many sandwiches, of many perfect days under the sun at each other’s side with all the world our playground. It was the first day of the rest of my life – and as life goes, we’d have our share of ups, downs, and side-to-sides.

You mesmerized me. Every time we were together I’d find myself in awe of your quick wit and thoughtful demeanor. You radiated intelligence, compassion, and joy. I felt connected to you, and understood by you, even if we’d come from two different walks of life. You were beautiful, inside and out, and I knew I’d stumbled into something special.

Though I knew what I felt, knew it was undeniable, I doubted myself early on. Despite the endless flow of shared laughs, deep conversations, and exciting excursions, the voices in my head constantly berated me.

You’re not good enough. You’re in too deep; she’s only gonna hurt you. You’ll never be worth someone like her. You should end it now before you hurt her. You’re too young to commit, too stupid to commit, too fucked up of a person to commit.

Yet, despite all of the anxieties churning in my stomach, despite the stupid things I said and the compulsive learned behaviors that walled me off and pushed you from getting too close, you never gave up on me. You never stopped seeing the best in me. You never stopped loving me.

And slowly, I stopped giving up on myself. I started seeing the best in me. I started loving me.

Over the course of our time together, you have inspired me, day in and day out, to seek the best version of myself. I have learned from you to be more empathetic, compassionate, and service-minded in all walks of life. You’ve shown me the power in partnership, the strength of family and community, and the gratitude and graciousness inherent in charity. You pushed me to be reflective, humbly so, to go within and address my defects, and to seek help outside of myself to remove them.

I struggle most days to wrap my head around the fact that some higher power is looking out for me. Too much of my life has felt godless, hopeless, languishing in the shadows of my ever-growing fears, for me to easily shake my deeply ingrained habit of faithlessness. But when I am with you, I have to concede that something – some universal, spiritual force – is working in our favor. You are too much of a blessing for there not to be.

Nowadays I find an endless well of faith from which I wield the courage to face all my fears. With you, I feel strong enough and swift enough to face life head-on. I no longer desire to escape from it. I no longer yearn to numb any semblance of a feeling. On the contrary, I now seek to be more present, to experience all of life’s ups and downs. With you, I want to feel everything – all the hurt, all the mundanity, all the love.

You believed in me before I ever could. Now I get to live the rest of our days, as an ever fuller version of me, slowly repaying you, amore mio.

Ti amo.

food for thought

Text within this block will maintain its original spacing when published

Before I had you this shit was fantasy
You plant a seed, it grows some roots, a branch and leaves
Becomes a tree of life until our nights are filled
With peace from stress and strife
And that's the blessin' that I get from wifing you'
Cause you entrusted me with the key to your heartbeat, and you smart'
Cause even though I need a new start
Due to my past transgressions you believed in me
I guess the light I see in you is what you see in me

J. Cole, Pretty Little Fears by 6LACK

a journal prompt for you

Write a letter to a loved one — past, present, or future. It doesn’t have to be sent. Maybe it can’t be sent for whatever reason. Maybe it does get sent. Whatever the heart tells you.

If you do write something and you would like to share it, I’d love to read it. You can send it to theguidelines@substack.com or leave a comment.

korick is…

korick is reading 50 Spiritual Classics edited by Tom Butler-Bowdon.
korick is watching How to Tap into Your Awareness with Yongey Mingyur Rinpoche.
korick is listening to Finding Ultra by Rich Roll. The audiobook has been the soundtrack to all my driving this week.
korick is paying attention to marathoning. RIP to Kelvin Kiptum, world record holder for the marathon. Way too young. A car accident. Life is so unpredictable.